St. Patrick's Day

Today I celebrate the 7 year mark of having cancer removed from my body. I'm thankful for science and the surgeons that saved my life. Everything crumbled afterward. I can't believe the shit I been through. But I'll keep going. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Thailand

Here we go folks. Thailand, the smut capital of the world? Try being a single man telling people your going to "Bangkok" and the last bit of info on their brain is "Hangover 2!" -You fucking moronic piece of shits. Predictable. These are the same people that would actually do a Hangover 2 "tour." This is why I want to travel outside the path. People who do not go out of their comfort zone are not only god-awful boring, but also ignorant. One of the last qualities to have should be ignorance. 

Mental Health

Yes. Mental health. Very important this one. Are you stable? Do you need a fix? Your meds, are they working? How's your sobriety?

5:45am - "time for your vitals, can I take your blood pressure please? Just stay in bed. Okay breakfast in 10mins!"
6am - "Wake up! Time for breakfast! Come on wake up!"
7am - "Meds! It's time for meds! Line up!" (I affectionately refer to this as 'the med truck' - portable station complete with the mornings meds...) Vitamins, Paxil, Buspar.
8am - "Stretching class! Come on time for exercise!"
9am - "group therapy! Patio is closed people - time for group therapy! What are your goals for today?"
10am - personal time = NAP!
11am - snack time - 'open patio, please - fresh air...maybe?'
12pm - "lunch!"
1pm - "Robert! Buspar!"
2pm - game of 'bullshit' with my schizophrenic friends - they, I must say, are some of the rarest folks I've ever met...
3pm- "snack time!" -really? Who the fuck eats this many times in one day?
4pm - Arts & crafts! Come on!!! (oh Gawd how GAY!...)
5pm - personal time: "Robert, Buspar!" -game of makeshift basketball with my roommates. It's like the college life I never had.
6pm - "Dinner!" -eww, same shit - chicken, over steamed veggies, mashed potatoes, juice, soda, bread.
7pm - "Patio is open!" - visiting time in 1/2 hour!
7:30-8:30 - visiting time - Diana visits me everyday for two weeks - fucking Saint, this girl...
8:30 - "visiting time is over! Patio is closed!"
9:00 - closing meeting: "did you accomplish your goals for today?"
10:00 - "meds! Robert! Come on!!!! -buspar, depakote (1000 mg).
10:30 - "lights out! Bedtime!"

They check on you every 15 mins. throughout the entire night. Flashlight in the face, making sure your not bedding a local lady on the floor while she's supposed to be refining her, dysfunction. Wanna be an adult and feel like a child? - check in to the mental health hospital for a couple weeks. You might actually like it. I did.

I decided it was time to take some time out. I checked myself in to a mental institution. And, I met some of the best people I could hope to ever spend time with. A two week adventure, that I volunteered for - I ACTUALLY LOVED IT.

Okay, okay! I tore up my apartment. I may have broken some glass, and punched a door to it's measly death - maybe sliced up an arm or two with a knife and showed up at the E.R. with a .2 alcohol level while still able to match wits with the doctor that was telling me I shouldn't even be able to hold a conversation. Yeah, I did all that. So what? At least I didn't use a chainsaw like one of my best pals I met in the hospital - that's hard core! A chainsaw? Really?

October

Bipolar I - Upgrade

Blog. It's what? Either a sales tool or a listen to me talk about myself thing, right? A rant machine of course, but I seriously can't sit long enough to even remotely care about someone's personal rant about shit that has nothing to do with me or ever will. Why not write it as a story instead? A book, with characters, and a point - direction. Make it more interesting and applicable to others who may benefit from your plight.

No fuck you I'm just going to spill a bunch of shit I wouldn't even want to read more than once.

So fuck you.

You know what pisses me off about surviving cancer. I still fucking feel so negative about life and fail to appreciate myself, people, and the world. How can I be such an asshole? Mood fucking stabilizers, valium, beta-blockers, sleeping pills, stupid amounts of alcohol - black outs, smashed up face, almost arrested but some beautiful angel came from nowhere and got me a get out of jail free card. But I can't have her. I want her. Women say the nicest things sometimes, and do things that sweep you off your feet - then go cold like the power plug just got pulled.

And you know what, I'm becoming so bored writing about this already that I can't fucking say what needs to come out. Stupid fucking switch won't work. Just turn the fucker off. "It's all a state of mind" - yes, but what about when your state of mind is shot and completely bored with anything and everything. I miss my dogs, I miss everything about those times when I didn't feel so much guilt. I need to move forward but it's hard to do alone. I don't really have a choice right now but I want one. Doesn't everyone.

I have to make some big changes and shape up. The show has gone sour. I don't like hearing people say I was doing so well but now slipping backwards again. I just want people to be around.

Tired of being a loner.

I have no crew to run with. Nobody watching my back. I have to extend myself in to areas that I shouldn't be just to be around people (bars). I can't go out and hang alone anymore without feeling desperate. It's fucking lame. All I feel now is "look at the one fucking guy that has nobody to sit with, how sad." I used to actually have a sense of pride in being able to hang by myself when others would never be seen doing such a thing.

Gone.

My entire being sinks when I see people hanging with friends and family, living life the way it should be lived. In my neighborhood NOBODY except newbies and homeless hang alone. Fuck not even the homeless are alone as often as I am. I dread the weekends. I am not a newbie after being out and about for over a year - my friends (so to speak) are all bartenders that I only see when I'm paying for their time and drink. And to top it all off - I don't even really know what I want because I keep chasing everyone away. If they aren't running already, I'm always ready to flip a finger and burn another bridge. What the fuck is up with my level of anger, resentment, apathy and ignorance?

"Dark Horse"

That label used to be the coolest thing ever to me. You know, the rebel without a cause, couldn't give a fuck about anything or anyone.

Well.

It's a terrible lifestyle.

I've seen what it eventually does. It generates an air of negativity that people pick up on and they will keep their distance even when you don't want any. It affects your job, your relationships, your ability to open new doors and generate new novelties to your life.

If you want bad vibes to be the notes you play around others, most will gladly walk away and ignore your tune. I've done it. Still do it. Fuck I'm guilty of so much of my own bad mojo people run like I'm the worst possible note one could have played in the middle of a masterpiece.

Even when I'm smiling.

4th Of July, 2009

Big Bear Lake July 4, 2009

Here today, gone tomorrow.

The downward spiral. Some say it never ends. Others would say it's all a state of mind. I don't have much of either to say really. There is a point where your just numb with discontent. No pills, no amount of alcohol or any other drug can fill that hole. You just end up having to stop and reckon with it. It's there. No making things up. Just take a good long hard look. You can move, or sit still; stay idle or run as fast as you can - either way it's not going anywhere.

But how to make THAT thing of an emptiness go away. People come and go, it hurts. Can't shut the world out. Keeping a happy go lucky disposition and being able to walk chin up without forcing it sure would sit nice. I try to feel up, but I'm tired.

When an energetic, young stranger grabs your attention by saying "excuse me sir, I'm sorry for bothering you but you look really sad..." - it becomes a daily challenge to leave home. I always thought I hid it pretty damn good since nobody ever said anything. Until now.