quiet calm

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like a big fucking hole in the head. can't shake this old soul out. how can this be? so many years ago, and i can feel it like yesterday. of all the memories i fail, yours is like a branding across the entirety of my soul. everyday i can't get away from the loss. for so many years, didn't need the memory-didn't harbor any thoughts-only felt a kind of quiet calm, always looking, hoping-but not in despair. this memory is a disease now-spreading across all aspects of my life, as it did before. if i could have just forgotten...

don't ever hesitate to embrace the love that you fear.

what you'll gain in the end is your Self.

i shouldn't have let go.

but i had already let myself...

anodyne

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep- while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

lackadaisical \lack-uh-DAY-zih-kuhl\, adjective:

Lacking spirit or liveliness; showing lack of interest; languid; listless.

Guilty!

I had a beautiful trip to Lincoln City, Oregon and ever since returning to Los Angeles - I feel ...lackadaisical. The photo above isn't from Oregon, it's from Loreto, Mexico - but it reminds me of the tunnel vision I have for travel. Everything about it from the people to the landscapes/waterscapes, to the food/alcohol and local cultures. Surprises are everywhere. I am trying to pick new international destinations each year. And of course throw in some local stuff now and then.

My trip for November isn't decided. I am relaxing my obsession for Iceland only because I want to travel there for New Years. It will likely have to wait since I seem more interested in going to Belize, Jamaica, or on a cruise from Puerto Rico across the southern Caribbean. Anyone just catch that irony? Think about it. And if you are catching up to what that means-I know what I said. I know, I know, I know - look, they need the tourist dollars. I am not a cheap tourist that bones out on all the locals for their services and kindness. I always make new friends when I travel abroad. I am more likely to find trouble right here in the states.

So I have to pull the trigger. Airfare to...everywhere already went up more than once since my last log...err, I mean blog. What do you all think? Cruise out of Puerto Rico? Belize? Go all-inclusive in Negril-smoke and drink the entire trip, lay wasted morning and night with a cocktail and a...fat ass hoot. Well now all of that sounds just fine to me. Problem is I can't do all of them in one year. If I could do two- I would still include Iceland a month later for New Years.