St. Patrick's Day

Today I celebrate the 7 year mark of having cancer removed from my body. I'm thankful for science and the surgeons that saved my life. Everything crumbled afterward. I can't believe the shit I been through. But I'll keep going. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Thailand

Here we go folks. Thailand, the smut capital of the world? Try being a single man telling people your going to "Bangkok" and the last bit of info on their brain is "Hangover 2!" -You fucking moronic piece of shits. Predictable. These are the same people that would actually do a Hangover 2 "tour." This is why I want to travel outside the path. People who do not go out of their comfort zone are not only god-awful boring, but also ignorant. One of the last qualities to have should be ignorance. 

Mental Health

Yes. Mental health. Very important this one. Are you stable? Do you need a fix? Your meds, are they working? How's your sobriety?

5:45am - "time for your vitals, can I take your blood pressure please? Just stay in bed. Okay breakfast in 10mins!"
6am - "Wake up! Time for breakfast! Come on wake up!"
7am - "Meds! It's time for meds! Line up!" (I affectionately refer to this as 'the med truck' - portable station complete with the mornings meds...) Vitamins, Paxil, Buspar.
8am - "Stretching class! Come on time for exercise!"
9am - "group therapy! Patio is closed people - time for group therapy! What are your goals for today?"
10am - personal time = NAP!
11am - snack time - 'open patio, please - fresh air...maybe?'
12pm - "lunch!"
1pm - "Robert! Buspar!"
2pm - game of 'bullshit' with my schizophrenic friends - they, I must say, are some of the rarest folks I've ever met...
3pm- "snack time!" -really? Who the fuck eats this many times in one day?
4pm - Arts & crafts! Come on!!! (oh Gawd how GAY!...)
5pm - personal time: "Robert, Buspar!" -game of makeshift basketball with my roommates. It's like the college life I never had.
6pm - "Dinner!" -eww, same shit - chicken, over steamed veggies, mashed potatoes, juice, soda, bread.
7pm - "Patio is open!" - visiting time in 1/2 hour!
7:30-8:30 - visiting time - Diana visits me everyday for two weeks - fucking Saint, this girl...
8:30 - "visiting time is over! Patio is closed!"
9:00 - closing meeting: "did you accomplish your goals for today?"
10:00 - "meds! Robert! Come on!!!! -buspar, depakote (1000 mg).
10:30 - "lights out! Bedtime!"

They check on you every 15 mins. throughout the entire night. Flashlight in the face, making sure your not bedding a local lady on the floor while she's supposed to be refining her, dysfunction. Wanna be an adult and feel like a child? - check in to the mental health hospital for a couple weeks. You might actually like it. I did.

I decided it was time to take some time out. I checked myself in to a mental institution. And, I met some of the best people I could hope to ever spend time with. A two week adventure, that I volunteered for - I ACTUALLY LOVED IT.

Okay, okay! I tore up my apartment. I may have broken some glass, and punched a door to it's measly death - maybe sliced up an arm or two with a knife and showed up at the E.R. with a .2 alcohol level while still able to match wits with the doctor that was telling me I shouldn't even be able to hold a conversation. Yeah, I did all that. So what? At least I didn't use a chainsaw like one of my best pals I met in the hospital - that's hard core! A chainsaw? Really?

October

Bipolar I - Upgrade

Blog. It's what? Either a sales tool or a listen to me talk about myself thing, right? A rant machine of course, but I seriously can't sit long enough to even remotely care about someone's personal rant about shit that has nothing to do with me or ever will. Why not write it as a story instead? A book, with characters, and a point - direction. Make it more interesting and applicable to others who may benefit from your plight.

No fuck you I'm just going to spill a bunch of shit I wouldn't even want to read more than once.

So fuck you.

You know what pisses me off about surviving cancer. I still fucking feel so negative about life and fail to appreciate myself, people, and the world. How can I be such an asshole? Mood fucking stabilizers, valium, beta-blockers, sleeping pills, stupid amounts of alcohol - black outs, smashed up face, almost arrested but some beautiful angel came from nowhere and got me a get out of jail free card. But I can't have her. I want her. Women say the nicest things sometimes, and do things that sweep you off your feet - then go cold like the power plug just got pulled.

And you know what, I'm becoming so bored writing about this already that I can't fucking say what needs to come out. Stupid fucking switch won't work. Just turn the fucker off. "It's all a state of mind" - yes, but what about when your state of mind is shot and completely bored with anything and everything. I miss my dogs, I miss everything about those times when I didn't feel so much guilt. I need to move forward but it's hard to do alone. I don't really have a choice right now but I want one. Doesn't everyone.

I have to make some big changes and shape up. The show has gone sour. I don't like hearing people say I was doing so well but now slipping backwards again. I just want people to be around.

Tired of being a loner.

I have no crew to run with. Nobody watching my back. I have to extend myself in to areas that I shouldn't be just to be around people (bars). I can't go out and hang alone anymore without feeling desperate. It's fucking lame. All I feel now is "look at the one fucking guy that has nobody to sit with, how sad." I used to actually have a sense of pride in being able to hang by myself when others would never be seen doing such a thing.

Gone.

My entire being sinks when I see people hanging with friends and family, living life the way it should be lived. In my neighborhood NOBODY except newbies and homeless hang alone. Fuck not even the homeless are alone as often as I am. I dread the weekends. I am not a newbie after being out and about for over a year - my friends (so to speak) are all bartenders that I only see when I'm paying for their time and drink. And to top it all off - I don't even really know what I want because I keep chasing everyone away. If they aren't running already, I'm always ready to flip a finger and burn another bridge. What the fuck is up with my level of anger, resentment, apathy and ignorance?

"Dark Horse"

That label used to be the coolest thing ever to me. You know, the rebel without a cause, couldn't give a fuck about anything or anyone.

Well.

It's a terrible lifestyle.

I've seen what it eventually does. It generates an air of negativity that people pick up on and they will keep their distance even when you don't want any. It affects your job, your relationships, your ability to open new doors and generate new novelties to your life.

If you want bad vibes to be the notes you play around others, most will gladly walk away and ignore your tune. I've done it. Still do it. Fuck I'm guilty of so much of my own bad mojo people run like I'm the worst possible note one could have played in the middle of a masterpiece.

Even when I'm smiling.

4th Of July, 2009

Big Bear Lake July 4, 2009

Here today, gone tomorrow.

The downward spiral. Some say it never ends. Others would say it's all a state of mind. I don't have much of either to say really. There is a point where your just numb with discontent. No pills, no amount of alcohol or any other drug can fill that hole. You just end up having to stop and reckon with it. It's there. No making things up. Just take a good long hard look. You can move, or sit still; stay idle or run as fast as you can - either way it's not going anywhere.

But how to make THAT thing of an emptiness go away. People come and go, it hurts. Can't shut the world out. Keeping a happy go lucky disposition and being able to walk chin up without forcing it sure would sit nice. I try to feel up, but I'm tired.

When an energetic, young stranger grabs your attention by saying "excuse me sir, I'm sorry for bothering you but you look really sad..." - it becomes a daily challenge to leave home. I always thought I hid it pretty damn good since nobody ever said anything. Until now.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Pelican Bar

Taxi


Jamaica...mon! The trip was so uninteresting I don't even have much to say or pictures to show. Constant solicitation for drugs, sex, whatever you want multiple fools out on the beach just don't know when to take no for an answer. I literally saw tourists running at times, tired of the constant barrage of beach combing...um, business being shoved in their face. If you said no, some of them literally would act like they're having a break down. I felt stupid for being there. I feel stupid for going. But, there were some good things I can keep with me as a positive memory. Go up into the mountains and experience the real Rastafari peoples of Jamaica. Find some locals to take you. It's an experience. Not all relaxing. But cultural and edgy.

I want to mention one place: Roaring River - Blue Hole. The cave was amazing, no tourists, swim in and drink from the mineral waters. Jump into the caves natural pool that contains mineral water so clear you can see straight through to the bottom and off to the side where you realize it steers off into the black abyss of an underwater cave.

Amsterdam Nacht

Amsterdam Central Station

I decided to add mood to this photo. It still looks like Nazi Germany is in town. This train station has seen some terrible history. I travelled on the trains in Europe many years ago (not this trip) and always felt an eerie feeling when at the train stations. Images of WW II are permanently embedded on my brain from reading books and seeing photos of that time. I don't want to ever know what living in the middle of a war zone is like.

Amsterdam Photos

Great city. Lots and lots of bicycles. In fact your more likely to get hit by a bike than a car, bus, or tram! If I remember correctly there are some 500,000 bikes for every 650,000 people. The streets are narrow, no parking either so a bike makes sense. They race up and down the streets, back and forth, endlessly. When you hear the little bell, move fast because they don't expect to slow down for you. It wasn't pleasant most the time dealing with the locals. They all speak english but as a tourist they don't seem to like you very much. You can tell their patience has been tested and over tested long ago with the tourist scene in the area. I tried not to act like the typical tourist, but it's hard when your lost.

Amsterdam

I took a different approach to travel this year. Instead of an isolated place as far away from the city as I can get playing in the ocean or trekking a jungle, I'm going to Amsterdam. And, it will not involve tropical weather with 85 degree ocean water. It will be cold, windy and rainy - but I've wanted to go for years to celebrate the festivals that take place there during November. And what better weather could there be for coffee shop(s), bar(s), some Heineken(s) and the cannabis cup - plus add thousands of fun loving people that just want to enjoy life with some smoke, music, art, film festival, coffee shops, and live music every night. Sounds like a good pre-cursor to the more serious trips I want to follow up with. I will get to Africa, Palau to swim in jelly fish lake, Thailand, Philippines - ah hell you name it I want to be there at least once. But for now, this is a trip I want to do solo without feeling lonely. I managed to acquire a good deal of airline miles and even had some extra points for my room. All together I am just paying for my judges pass and partly for the hotel, which is located right in the center of the Leidseplein. I expect to hopefully get some interesting photos of my journey. Obviously it won't be a seascape or any underwater stuff - but variety, novelty - all still around the corner. I'm going to pick up a 50mm fixed lense (fast for low light/indoors) and probably a fisheye lens as well because coffee shop shots (if I'm allowed) would be great with a fisheye - since reality is going to be a bit altered to begin with. I am a true Californian, I have no cold weather clothing, looks like I got some shopping to do.

Love and Hate

*click the image for full size*

Cabin fever, but I'm not in a cabin. Or in the woods. Let's see, "city fever?"

The "I gotta get the fuck out of dodge" feeling. Instead of a gambling problem I have a wicked travel addiction. Can't stop thinking about it. How does someone stay still. Not curious, other than a television? Really? The neighborhood?

Tanzania, Zanzibar continue to haunt me. If I booked the plane ticket to Dar es Salaam, Tanzania say November 20th right now - cost is so doable. But those Safari companies need an arm and a leg and well, is it possible to rough it in Africa?...without being eat'n by something?

"Do Not Mistake Temptation For Opportunity"

That was from a fortune cookie 8 years ago. I know it exactly because I had just left the music biz to work in post-production sound and kept it. As I was pacing around the house I've been sharing for those 8 years, mulling over the many memories that are being left behind, there it was again-sitting on the floor in the corner of my old studio, waiting for me to pick up and ponder again. It had fallen behind one of my book cases. When I first read it those years ago my life was in complete change and I was starting over. As I find it again today, it is ironic that I am again in a place of complete change and starting over.

My Valentine

Redondo Beach. Huge waves.

Click on photos to view full size.

Sunset Point Beach

Weather in Los Angeles after a storm is wonderful. Clean crisp air all around.

I managed to pick up my camera and take some pictures. Haven't been feeling creative as of late and since I'm lazy, I chose to go to the water and take photos instead of finishing some damn music. I don't mean to say photography is easy, it just takes me alot less time than being isolated in a room trying to figure out what I want to say. With a camera, it's right in front of me. Just got to frame it and pull the trigger.

Below are long exposure shots, straight out of the camera. No processing or photoshop at all. I love my D300!

I am really finding a style I like by using long exposures to create a kind of Monet or watercolor effect. As the waves roll in and out and the light reflections during sunset change the color tones, you get a different photo each time. Within a minute or less you can take the same photo and the lighting is already different.

These 3 photos below are all favorites, but I can't say which one tops another. I like them all because even though it's the same frame, the end results are completely different. This first shot I prefer the colors and the reflecting light on the sand. Also the wave motion looks more dramatic.

Overall I seem to prefer the overall balance of this shot below. The ghosting of the water, the shadowing, and the color tones of the sea are appealing.

Less color here below, but the ghosting effect of the waves stands out more. The grey-ishness and frothy white in the foreground-well, just the mood of this photo hits home for me. This one is best viewed full size-click on the photo(s) to enlarge them.

Respect=Weakness?

*excerpts pasted from Yahoo news*

"Obama on Monday was in China, having wrapped up the Japan leg of his Asia trip two days earlier. But Washington's punditocracy was still weighing whether or not the US president had disgraced his country two days earlier by having taken a deep bow at the waist while meeting Japan's Emperor Akihito."

"Political talk shows have played and replayed the moment from the second day of Obama's week-long Asia tour, which set the blogosphere on fire and chat show tongues wagging."

"I don't know why President Obama thought that was appropriate. Maybe he thought it would play well in Japan. But it's not appropriate for an American president to bow to a foreign one," said conservative pundit William Kristol speaking on the Fox News Sunday program, adding that the gesture bespoke a United States that has become weak and overly-deferential under Obama."

Another conservative voice, Bill Bennett, said on CNN's "State of the Union" program: "It's ugly. I don't want to see it."

"We don't defer to emperors. We don't defer to kings or emperors. The president of the United States -- this coupled with so many apologies from the United States -- is just another thing," said Bennett.

Some conservative critics juxtaposed the image of Obama with one of former US vice president Dick Cheney, who greeted the emperor in 2007 with a firm handshake but no bow.
(no, no, no that isn't BIASED opinion at all!)

"I'll bet if you look at pictures of world leaders over 20 years meeting the emperor in Japan, they don't bow," Kristol said.
(so much for being secure within yourself and your country-we should present ourselves as overbearing idiots instead?)

"Some said the gesture was particularly grating coming after Obama's bow to Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah at a G20 meeting in April."



Excrement.

I am an American. California native. Not particularly patriotic. The only time I ever entertained the idea of joining the military was during my high school years when I was having an inner argument about whether or not I was really going to keep music as a respectable hobby and pursue my childhood fascination of becoming a fighter pilot instead. I grew up around test pilots, math books, photos and models of military aircraft, and books about the history of war and aviation. My father was an aeronautical engineer working for Skunk Works. That also meant quite a few years of not getting to see him very often or knowing exactly what he did for a living. At first as a kid when I was told pops was an engineer, I thought he drove a train. He never spoke to me at all about what he did for a living.

I will not discuss politics with him. Ever. Again. First of all because although I have strong feelings and opinions about politics-politicians are a different story. Everyone knows it but we blindly elect them and pay our taxes anyway because, well, government has a way of eventually forcing it. Do we know where all that money goes? Nope. Each new generation gets a bit closer to the rat that's stinking up the joint called Washington D.C. though. - Secondly, you cannot change the older generations mode of thought. They have subscribed to certain institutions for their entire lives and identify with them. Even if there is a rat. And, what about that older generation in Washington D.C.? Well, think of the family fortunes and reputations at stake. Just because oil and plastics along with other man made fortunes is ruining the environment and sending the planet into an irreversable catastrophe doesn't mean anyone is going to step up and "respect" the land, the ocean, or fellow human beings. Which brings me to ponder: at what point does showing respect for others and their values amount to weakness? "Deferential" is a word the worlds leaders could spend more quality time pondering if they cared to. But they don't. Either they don't subscribe to deferential thinking because they have a mind that is already officially bought, or they're smart enough to know that the people who put them in office will swiftly get them removed. Career over. Secret bank accounts, gone. Lobbyist funded family vacations, over.

For me, only a political puppet would consider it offensive to show respect towards others customs in their native country. Respect is akin to strength. Strength is gained by an initial 'respect' for things you do not have the strength to understand or control. I want to applaud the President for showing respect and acknowledging validity in other cultures while travelling away from the United States. Without experiencing other cultures, people become blind in their own little space-ignorant of others struggles, beliefs, challenges, tragedies and accomplishments. When traveling abroad, our leaders image dictates much about how we are viewed and treated by others in other countries. In Belize, suddenly to be American was to be respected and admired- we elected a black president and ran with the iconic word (in politics) "change."

We already have an international reputation for being a closed off bully ready to explode and exploit any culture for our own benefit at any time. Why not throw this curve ball? After all it's practically right out of Sun Tzu's "The Art Of War" if any conservative, warmongering politicians care to pick it up and learn something.

I know they teach it at West Point. But then again, how many politicians earned their way in to West Point?

Nuff said.

Calm Like A Bomb

U2 came in to town last night. I've never really been a U2 fan, but I've always respected their talent and The Edge as a guitar player. These photos were taken just down from the Rose Bowl. I didn't attend the concert but I did watch the YouTube feed which was actually damn good. I'm a bit more of a U2 fan now than I was before hearing the live footage. Those guys are pro. They been doing it for a long time and like Aerosmith, musically they just sound perfect live and that is not so common. I like many bands that I am sure sound like a train wreck live onstage without overdubs and a click track. I can never help but try to picture what that must be like--to be a rockstar. On their level. When I was a guitar student doing juries at the end of every semester, I could never shake the shakes. I'd get painfully nervous performing in front of anyone. Even if it was one person. I still do. When I started writing and recording original music I would turn red in the face and start to get all clammy just playing a damn cd for someone. It isn't cool. I used to picture another me standing next to me and try to coach-"dude, why you so nervous? There's no reason to be nervous! You kick ass! This piece of music is nothing! Shred this bitch and lets go find some woman!"

It never worked.

But I did find me some woman. Yes, sir.

Music can be rewarding that way--until they figure out your most likely never going to be one of those few that say, get to be in U2 for a living.

Those are hard lessons.

Music has empowered me to do some things I never thought I could. But my absolute lowest of lows in life are also tied to it.

Living with Fear means your alive--only the dead Fear nothing; even if they ain't dead yet.

The World Needs Humor