deafening silence

It's very difficult to start and even more difficult to finish anything when confidence is low.

I know what I want, but I don't know why.

The games in life are a bore! Competition and formalities set in and instead of jumping up over the heap anymore, I lose confidence and become overwhelmed with boredom. I'm bored with trying to "win", bored with trying to "impress", bored with politics and the notion of "responsibility" – so many parts of life are a crapshoot. Will breaker. Life simply blows if you’re not doing what you love, whatever that may be.

Money is a different issue. The darker issue. The pressure point. Turning a dime. The issue people aren’t supposed to talk about! It can change what you love. You come to depend on money (health insurance), if what you love is your paycheck (health insurance) it is bound to be threatened (the loss of health insurance) at some point. After cancer I wouldn’t just jump off the cliff back into self-employment unless it was a forced issue (loss of job/health insurance).

The road ahead for me is unclear. I know that if I had still been buried in my studio working 17+ hours everyday, without medical insurance, I would have been ruined financially. No one I was working for would have stepped up to help pay those bills. It wouldn’t have even been appropriate to ask, which is kind of sad. There is no way I could ever go back to that lifestyle, or working for those types of people (you know the ones that insist you give them everything, but don’t feel they have any responsibility to give you anything in return?).

It took cancer to break an unhealthy drive to succeed.

Isn't that the opposite of what you'd think cancer would do? Shouldn't it shake me right back into getting busy (stressed), causing me to SUCCEED in ways I wouldn't have been able to otherwise?

Nope.

If succeeding means giving up all the little things in your life, you’ll find a big ‘ol hole on the other side after all those little things stop adding up.

Note to self: remember to care about why your doing what it is you want to do.

Don't just "get'er done!"