Bipolar I - Upgrade

Blog. It's what? Either a sales tool or a listen to me talk about myself thing, right? A rant machine of course, but I seriously can't sit long enough to even remotely care about someone's personal rant about shit that has nothing to do with me or ever will. Why not write it as a story instead? A book, with characters, and a point - direction. Make it more interesting and applicable to others who may benefit from your plight.

No fuck you I'm just going to spill a bunch of shit I wouldn't even want to read more than once.

So fuck you.

You know what pisses me off about surviving cancer. I still fucking feel so negative about life and fail to appreciate myself, people, and the world. How can I be such an asshole? Mood fucking stabilizers, valium, beta-blockers, sleeping pills, stupid amounts of alcohol - black outs, smashed up face, almost arrested but some beautiful angel came from nowhere and got me a get out of jail free card. But I can't have her. I want her. Women say the nicest things sometimes, and do things that sweep you off your feet - then go cold like the power plug just got pulled.

And you know what, I'm becoming so bored writing about this already that I can't fucking say what needs to come out. Stupid fucking switch won't work. Just turn the fucker off. "It's all a state of mind" - yes, but what about when your state of mind is shot and completely bored with anything and everything. I miss my dogs, I miss everything about those times when I didn't feel so much guilt. I need to move forward but it's hard to do alone. I don't really have a choice right now but I want one. Doesn't everyone.

I have to make some big changes and shape up. The show has gone sour. I don't like hearing people say I was doing so well but now slipping backwards again. I just want people to be around.

Tired of being a loner.

I have no crew to run with. Nobody watching my back. I have to extend myself in to areas that I shouldn't be just to be around people (bars). I can't go out and hang alone anymore without feeling desperate. It's fucking lame. All I feel now is "look at the one fucking guy that has nobody to sit with, how sad." I used to actually have a sense of pride in being able to hang by myself when others would never be seen doing such a thing.

Gone.

My entire being sinks when I see people hanging with friends and family, living life the way it should be lived. In my neighborhood NOBODY except newbies and homeless hang alone. Fuck not even the homeless are alone as often as I am. I dread the weekends. I am not a newbie after being out and about for over a year - my friends (so to speak) are all bartenders that I only see when I'm paying for their time and drink. And to top it all off - I don't even really know what I want because I keep chasing everyone away. If they aren't running already, I'm always ready to flip a finger and burn another bridge. What the fuck is up with my level of anger, resentment, apathy and ignorance?

"Dark Horse"

That label used to be the coolest thing ever to me. You know, the rebel without a cause, couldn't give a fuck about anything or anyone.

Well.

It's a terrible lifestyle.

I've seen what it eventually does. It generates an air of negativity that people pick up on and they will keep their distance even when you don't want any. It affects your job, your relationships, your ability to open new doors and generate new novelties to your life.

If you want bad vibes to be the notes you play around others, most will gladly walk away and ignore your tune. I've done it. Still do it. Fuck I'm guilty of so much of my own bad mojo people run like I'm the worst possible note one could have played in the middle of a masterpiece.

Even when I'm smiling.