October

Bipolar I - Upgrade

Blog. It's what? Either a sales tool or a listen to me talk about myself thing, right? A rant machine of course, but I seriously can't sit long enough to even remotely care about someone's personal rant about shit that has nothing to do with me or ever will. Why not write it as a story instead? A book, with characters, and a point - direction. Make it more interesting and applicable to others who may benefit from your plight.

No fuck you I'm just going to spill a bunch of shit I wouldn't even want to read more than once.

So fuck you.

You know what pisses me off about surviving cancer. I still fucking feel so negative about life and fail to appreciate myself, people, and the world. How can I be such an asshole? Mood fucking stabilizers, valium, beta-blockers, sleeping pills, stupid amounts of alcohol - black outs, smashed up face, almost arrested but some beautiful angel came from nowhere and got me a get out of jail free card. But I can't have her. I want her. Women say the nicest things sometimes, and do things that sweep you off your feet - then go cold like the power plug just got pulled.

And you know what, I'm becoming so bored writing about this already that I can't fucking say what needs to come out. Stupid fucking switch won't work. Just turn the fucker off. "It's all a state of mind" - yes, but what about when your state of mind is shot and completely bored with anything and everything. I miss my dogs, I miss everything about those times when I didn't feel so much guilt. I need to move forward but it's hard to do alone. I don't really have a choice right now but I want one. Doesn't everyone.

I have to make some big changes and shape up. The show has gone sour. I don't like hearing people say I was doing so well but now slipping backwards again. I just want people to be around.

Tired of being a loner.

I have no crew to run with. Nobody watching my back. I have to extend myself in to areas that I shouldn't be just to be around people (bars). I can't go out and hang alone anymore without feeling desperate. It's fucking lame. All I feel now is "look at the one fucking guy that has nobody to sit with, how sad." I used to actually have a sense of pride in being able to hang by myself when others would never be seen doing such a thing.

Gone.

My entire being sinks when I see people hanging with friends and family, living life the way it should be lived. In my neighborhood NOBODY except newbies and homeless hang alone. Fuck not even the homeless are alone as often as I am. I dread the weekends. I am not a newbie after being out and about for over a year - my friends (so to speak) are all bartenders that I only see when I'm paying for their time and drink. And to top it all off - I don't even really know what I want because I keep chasing everyone away. If they aren't running already, I'm always ready to flip a finger and burn another bridge. What the fuck is up with my level of anger, resentment, apathy and ignorance?

"Dark Horse"

That label used to be the coolest thing ever to me. You know, the rebel without a cause, couldn't give a fuck about anything or anyone.

Well.

It's a terrible lifestyle.

I've seen what it eventually does. It generates an air of negativity that people pick up on and they will keep their distance even when you don't want any. It affects your job, your relationships, your ability to open new doors and generate new novelties to your life.

If you want bad vibes to be the notes you play around others, most will gladly walk away and ignore your tune. I've done it. Still do it. Fuck I'm guilty of so much of my own bad mojo people run like I'm the worst possible note one could have played in the middle of a masterpiece.

Even when I'm smiling.

4th Of July, 2009

Big Bear Lake July 4, 2009

Here today, gone tomorrow.

The downward spiral. Some say it never ends. Others would say it's all a state of mind. I don't have much of either to say really. There is a point where your just numb with discontent. No pills, no amount of alcohol or any other drug can fill that hole. You just end up having to stop and reckon with it. It's there. No making things up. Just take a good long hard look. You can move, or sit still; stay idle or run as fast as you can - either way it's not going anywhere.

But how to make THAT thing of an emptiness go away. People come and go, it hurts. Can't shut the world out. Keeping a happy go lucky disposition and being able to walk chin up without forcing it sure would sit nice. I try to feel up, but I'm tired.

When an energetic, young stranger grabs your attention by saying "excuse me sir, I'm sorry for bothering you but you look really sad..." - it becomes a daily challenge to leave home. I always thought I hid it pretty damn good since nobody ever said anything. Until now.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Pelican Bar

Taxi


Jamaica...mon! The trip was so uninteresting I don't even have much to say or pictures to show. Constant solicitation for drugs, sex, whatever you want multiple fools out on the beach just don't know when to take no for an answer. I literally saw tourists running at times, tired of the constant barrage of beach combing...um, business being shoved in their face. If you said no, some of them literally would act like they're having a break down. I felt stupid for being there. I feel stupid for going. But, there were some good things I can keep with me as a positive memory. Go up into the mountains and experience the real Rastafari peoples of Jamaica. Find some locals to take you. It's an experience. Not all relaxing. But cultural and edgy.

I want to mention one place: Roaring River - Blue Hole. The cave was amazing, no tourists, swim in and drink from the mineral waters. Jump into the caves natural pool that contains mineral water so clear you can see straight through to the bottom and off to the side where you realize it steers off into the black abyss of an underwater cave.